Adolescence has gained a reputation as a difficult period during which intense changes occur in a child’s body and psyche, and the teenager does not always manage to adapt to them quickly enough. On the one hand, this is undoubtedly true. On the other hand, it is somewhat misleading, because adolescence cannot be considered independently of the child’s earlier development.
This stage will be more turbulent and complicated if there were difficulties or emotional and personal problems in the earlier stages of development. Puberty, as a period of increased physical and psychological strain, exposes all the existing “weak points.”
At this stage, the child is solving one of the most important developmental tasks—separation from the parental family. In fact, the child has already faced a similar task before. You may remember how, around the age of two, children insist on doing everything themselves, often saying “I can do it myself” and refusing help. At that age, the child begins to assert themselves as a separate individual, demonstrating that they feel capable of exploring the world independently.
The parents’ task at this time is to allow the child to do so while unobtrusively providing a relatively safe environment. A mother should not hinder the development of the child’s autonomy and independence, but neither should she disappear completely. She should remain within the child’s field of vision, always ready to comfort and help if necessary.
This is not an easy balance to maintain, and many mistakes made along the way reveal themselves during adolescence. If a child has not had a favorable experience in exploring the world—if they were either overly protected or, on the contrary, left without sufficient support—they may grow up feeling insecure and filled with fears about the unknown.
As teenagers, they must deal with these fears on their own. Some cope by hiding “behind their mother’s skirt,” while others deny all dangers and rush headlong into risky situations.
Another common behavioral reaction among teenagers is running away from home. In this way, the adolescent attempts to realize something they may have wanted but feared to do earlier in childhood. Running away is often a form of protest—a desire to escape from something.
First and foremost, it is a protest against the relationships that exist within the family. Sometimes it is also an attempt to draw the family’s attention to the teenager’s problems. A child who lacks parental attention constantly searches for ways to attract the attention of their mother or father.
Unfortunately, the easiest way to achieve this is often through forbidden or socially unacceptable behavior. Indeed, such behavior guarantees attention, thereby reinforcing the “bad behavior.”
A teenager may also seek attention through illness, injuries, smoking, or substance use—the list could go on. Children are often very inventive in the methods they use.
Naturally, the opportunities available during adolescence are much greater than in early childhood, and teenagers tend to use them fully. If at the age of two the child’s claim to independence was limited to the stubborn phrase “I’ll do it myself,” the teenager’s message becomes: “I will do it myself, and if you refuse to recognize it, I will prove it to you.”
At this stage, the adolescent faces an even more complex task—to separate from their parents and build their own relationships with other people, relationships in which they are an equal participant and in which their sense of self and self-esteem are recognized by others.
If the earlier developmental task was not successfully resolved, achieving this becomes much more difficult. In front of their peers, the adolescent once again experiences the same feelings that accompanied their first attempts at independence in early childhood.
The group to which the teenager seeks to belong often becomes an alternative—or even an opposition—to the values, rules, and structure of the family. Within these groups, the adolescent gains new experiences and continues to explore the world. Over time, there will be many such groups, and in each one the teenager searches for something necessary for their personal development.
In any case, the adolescent will look for ways to distance themselves from a family in which their needs cannot be fulfilled. If they lacked something in their parental family—love, care, warmth, attention, freedom, or personal space—they will strive to create a family where they can obtain what they previously lacked.
Often, even the choice of a partner is influenced by the desire to compensate for such deficits. Families built on this basis sometimes take on the form of symbiotic relationships. The limitations of such relationships become clear when we consider a biological example such as the relationship between a parasite and its host. Dependence and the fear of losing the partner—or rather the benefits provided by that partner—often lead to manipulation and conflict.
There is also another side to the situation. Sometimes the teenager feels extremely comfortable within the family, and the parents believe that such closeness will protect the child from “bad influences” and possible dangers. In reality, this attitude often reflects the parents’ own fear of losing control over their child.
In such cases, the process of separation is delayed—or may not occur at all. The stereotype of the “mama’s boy” is often ridiculed. For girls, this situation may appear more socially acceptable, yet it can be equally distressing.
Parents’ desire to keep their children close to them often deprives the young person of important opportunities. It limits not only contact with the outside world but also the development of many qualities and abilities—from decision-making to creative and professional self-determination.
Separation from the parental family—and the later step of creating one’s own family—are important milestones in human development. On the path from childhood to adulthood, a new feeling emerges: responsibility—first for oneself and later for another person.
Without this sense of responsibility, it is impossible to build a полноценную, harmonious family relationship.