Before the birth of a child, the relationship between a man and a woman is a relationship between two people. They are focused on each other and revolve around one another; these relationships are highly intimate. The arrival of a child disrupts this intimacy and dyadic structure, requiring the relationship between the woman-with-the-child and the man to be rebuilt during the first months after birth, when mother and baby form a symbiotic unity. Later, this relationship develops into a triad: father, mother, and child.
This is not an easy process, as the entire family structure changes. Family psychologists consider the birth of a child to be a crisis period. What changes occur in the relationship between a man and a woman, and why does sexual attraction between partners often weaken? Why do some women even report a complete loss of desire for intimacy with their husbands?
At first, physiological factors and physical exhaustion play a role. However, once the body has recovered and adaptation to new circumstances has taken place, psychological factors come to the forefront.
Beginning with pregnancy, a woman starts to form an image of her own motherhood while simultaneously placing herself both in the position of the child and in the position of the mother. Identification with the baby may stir memories and experiences from her own childhood and infancy, including unresolved conflicts from that period. Identification with her own mother may be difficult if the care, attention, and emotional connection she experienced were not felt to be sufficiently good. These experiences become part not only of the relationship with the newborn child but also of the relationship with the child’s father.
First, a young mother who may not have felt sufficiently satisfied with her own childhood experience—perhaps because she was encouraged to grow up too quickly and was not allowed to fully experience being a child—may unconsciously feel that the birth of her own child gives her a second chance to receive what was missing. Through identification with the child, she may attempt to “receive again” what she lacked. When the desire of her “inner child” for a caring and attentive parent becomes very strong, the man may unconsciously begin to be perceived as a parental figure. In such a case, sexual relations with him may start to feel “forbidden.” Sexual desire itself may still exist but may become directed toward another man. For example, one client described it this way:
*“Recently I have completely lost the desire for sex. Everything changed after the birth of my child. I read that this sometimes happens, but that the desire usually returns after a while. In my case, it has already been a year and a half and the desire still hasn’t come back. I cannot explain what happened. My husband does not say anything, but I feel that it worries him very much. What is even stranger is that when I think about my former boyfriend, the desire appears again, and I feel that I would gladly make love to him if I had the opportunity. But I feel nothing like that toward my husband. I love my husband very much and do not want to lose him, but there should be sex in a family, shouldn’t there?”*
Second, strong identification with the child may increase feelings of guilt and shame that were once connected with the discovery that one’s own parents had sexual relations from which the child was excluded. At some point, every child begins to sense that something is happening between the parents, which pushes the child to construct various fantasies, ideas, and hypotheses—sometimes frightening ones—about those relations. If, as a child, the mother herself felt frightened or overwhelmed when discovering that her parents had a sexual relationship, she may project this childhood fear onto her own child and deny herself sexual relations out of fear of frightening the child. In contrast, fantasies about a former partner may be free of these feelings; in those imagined relationships, she once again feels like an adult woman.
In many such situations, women describe their husbands as very good family men and loving fathers. One may assume that this also reflects a fear of losing the image of the good father. Sometimes there is a deep desire to have a caring father nearby (even for oneself), rather than simply a sexual partner.
In another example, a woman feels disappointed and resentful toward her husband:
*“After giving birth (our child is now two years old), our intimate life gradually disappeared. My relationship with my husband is not very good; I have lost respect for him as a man. Please advise me how to change our life and restore my faith in my husband.”*
It may be that the man was unable to present himself as a strong and caring parent, thereby shattering the expectations placed upon him. A man, just like a woman, may begin to identify with the child, especially with a son. He may feel jealousy or competition toward the child, and the woman may begin to feel that instead of one caring adult she now has two children. In such circumstances, both respect and sexual attraction may disappear. During this period, the childish and infantile parts of each partner often become visible, and encountering them may not always evoke pleasant feelings—sometimes even disgust.
Third, an important factor is the model of relationships that existed in the parental families of the young mother and father. How harmonious were the parents’ relationships, including their sexual relationships? If a woman grew up in a family where the mother favored the daughter while the father was pushed aside—forming a very close mother-daughter pair—then with the birth of her own child she may struggle to integrate the image of herself as both a woman and a mother. Difficulties in sexual life may be provoked by guilt toward her mother for allowing herself to choose a man, and guilt toward the child for directing attention and desire toward the child’s father. Because of this guilt, sexual desire may become suppressed, and the relationship may become platonic.
Consider an example where a mother did not allow her daughter to separate in a timely way. When my client was thirteen, her mother divorced and made it clear that the daughter would now run the household and care for two younger sisters. In effect, the mother took the father’s place in the family, and the daughter took the mother’s place. Her mother often referred to the younger sisters as “our children.” Now that the daughter is an adult, her mother constantly interferes in her life, instructing her how to raise her child, criticizing her husband, and speaking of betrayal. This is an example of a role reversal. As a result, the young mother finds it difficult to maintain her own identity as a woman because her own mother competes with the man she has chosen as her sexual partner. Such situations often lead not only to a cooling of sexual relations but sometimes even to divorce. The mother seems unable to let her adult daughter go, especially if she herself is divorced. Often they are not even physically separated and continue to live together. Under such conditions, the emotional weight of the situation can significantly inhibit the normal development of a woman’s sexual life. The birth of a child may intensify these processes because the woman becomes more vulnerable, dependent on her surroundings, and in a regressive psychological state. This can lead to emotional distance from her husband and sexual partner.
Sometimes a woman may seek separation from the father of the child not only sexually but also physically—for example, by moving with the baby to another room, leaving her husband alone, or sharing a bed exclusively with the child. This may happen when a woman feels a deep fear of separating from the baby and wishes to maintain the sense of fusion, fullness, and mutual dependence with the child. In such cases, the man and his desires may be experienced as a threat to this unity. In this way, the generational pattern of excluding the “third” person continues.
Close physical contact with the baby—especially during breastfeeding—strongly stimulates and energizes the mother’s body. For this reason, a woman may sometimes find it difficult to move physically and emotionally from one embrace directly into another. A woman’s body is a highly emotionally charged aspect of her identity, and she often undergoes a long process before feeling that her body truly belongs to her. When physical closeness with the child is replaced by physical closeness with a man, a woman may experience a fear of losing her sense of ownership over her own body.
Despite all the psychological difficulties of this period, the relationship between a man and a woman can continue to develop, change, and resolve the crisis by reaching a qualitatively new level. Every crisis offers two possible paths: fixation at an earlier stage of development or relief and movement toward psychological growth.
The birth of a child is the final stage in the formation of female identity. After the birth of a child, a woman becomes mature—like her own mother. She affirms her right to her own body and to sexual relations with a partner from which the parents are excluded. This is a stage of maturity and mature sexuality. Many women begin to experience their most intense orgasms after childbirth, become more liberated, actively explore their bodies, and allow their partners to do the same. At this stage, a woman may internally say to herself: *I am an adult woman, and I have the right to enjoy adult relationships.*
To help you and your partner get through this period together, try talking with your husband about what worries you. It may be helpful to spend a whole day together, revive memories of your falling in love, visit places you used to go together, look at old photographs, and recall how you first confessed your love. You may also try remembering what both of you enjoyed in your sexual relationship and what new things you might like to explore. Fantasize together. Try to rediscover each other, because both of you have changed significantly during this time.
Your sexual and erotic experiences may have changed as well; they may now be intertwined with various feelings that reduce sexual desire or diminish pleasure. Moreover, your body image may have changed. Try to rediscover your “sexual” body and allow your partner to rediscover it too. Your erogenous zones and the positions that bring you pleasure may have changed during this time. Experiment and encourage your partner to do the same. You might begin with a loving game, a massage, or other forms of intimacy.
Believe that the entire family will benefit from this. Both you and your child will gain from it, because a child’s emotional well-being is closely connected to how satisfied the parents are with each other, including sexually. A child should not feel that they have taken someone else’s place in the parents’ bed.
If the problem has very deep roots in your childhood, it may be helpful to consult a specialist who can help you understand what influenced you so strongly after childbirth. If the distance between you is mutual and your husband is also avoiding the restoration of sexual relations, it may be beneficial to seek couples therapy.